Slimmy, just how narrow of a shaft must one have to slimmy up that shaft.
- Bow

Dear Bow,
Slimmy up which shaft? My Shaft!?! Keep that shit away from me you freakin' pervert!


I like this boy and he likes me...i know that for sho, but he wont let me whip out his …Slimmy he wont even let me stick my hands down his pants! I know its not b/c he's small... I've been in there for a few seconds and .. damn! Help!!
-Cravin Cock in Clarmount, Carolina

Dear Cravin Cock in Clarmount, Carolina
Here's my question Cravin, where in Clarmount and which Carolina? This is another very sensitive matter that would be best handled personally. I'm sure if we got together I could dig deep inside of your problem and help you come quickly to a happy conclusion... You are a chick right?

Dear Slimmy, do you like to fuck other dicks?
–Longing in Longmont

Dear Longing,
No. Absolutely not. The hole in a dick is way to small to fuck.


Dear Slimmy I have pubic hair that grows halfway up my shaft. Should I shave it, pluck it, or use hair remover? It's really irritating banging a girl and you feel you hair getting pulled out in the process.
– Hairy in San Diego

Dear Hairy,
First let me say... YEEEEOWWWWWOUCH! Secondly, let me say... They don't call it “waxing“ the dolphin for nothing. Go Cedric on that birds nest. YEEEEEOWWWOUCH!


Dear Slimmy, so how does this work anyway?
–Cluless in Seattle

How does what work? Your penis or this message board? Ether way you're in trouble...


Dear Slimmy, are ALL men pigs? or is it just my want their friendship...they think you want more, it's happened to me twice, is it THAT impossible to have friends? Take care!
– Joanie, So-Cal, Anaheim

Dear Joanne,
It sounds to me like your meeting all the wrong guys. Stop by my place tonite and we can discuss it over a bottle or two of wine. Oh, and wear something low cut.


Dear Slimmy, I meant Austin, the city... not the hooker.
– LonghornLover, Austin TX

Dear LongHorn,
She was great! Greek and French for only $200! I'm sorry, I just can't stop thinking about the hooker....


Dear Slimmy, Dr slimmy, How do you like your women?
– Love Nurse Betty (Jasper)

Dear Nurse Betty,
I like my women like I like my steak... still squirmin'.


Dear Slimmy, I have a small peepee and am having trouble ejaculating. How do I fix my problem so I can get babes like you?
Love, Dr.Love's Nurse Betty(jasper)

Dear Nurse Betty
Can't spew eh? Well it aint' the size issue. Lil' Slimmy is barely and inch long and he busts more nutz than a squirrel with a jack hammer. Sounds to me like you've got some built up turd blockage in yer Slimmy spout. I suggest cleaning the passage with a pipe cleaner and some rubbing alcohol.


Dear Slimmy, How was Austin?
LonghornLover, Austin TX

Dear Longhorn Lover,
She was great! French AND Greek for $200, what a deal! Oh wait... did you mean the town or the hooker?


Dear Slimmy, How much hamburger should I eat?
Beefeater, Hercules OR

Dear Beefeater,
I recommend an all fish taco diet. Lay off foods like hot beef, sausage and tube steak..


Dear Slimmy, DR Slimmy, you know everything? how much snow is LOVELAND getting this week?
Love a concerned local(jake) Idaho spg Colorado

Dear Local Jake,
Enough to keep Slimmy off the slopes. Hot Totties and hot booties in the Ski Lodge is my favorite run...


Dear Slimmy, How do you keep up?
Bort, Lurch NV

Dear Bort,
Popsicle sticks and duck tape.


Dear Slimmy, My boyfriend likes munching my thick tool each night at bedtime, and I'd just as soon let him, rather than fighting it. Any truth to the rumor that ejaculating too often makes a man impotent? Not that I worry... I'm always up for a little fun whenever a man (or a woman) wants to wet my tool. What's your advice?
Dirk Dagger, Spongebathe England

Dear Dirk,
First off, eeeeeew! Secondly, no. Impotence is not related to ejaculation frequency. It is usually more common in men with big fat ugly wives.


Dear Slimmy, What do you do on your day off?
Blue, Collarburg PA

Dear Blue,
The exact same thing you do on your day off. I sit my fat ass on YOUR couch, drinking YOUR beer while YOUR wife gives me a tongue massage. Plus, every day is my day off! Thank god you work so much overtime!


Dear Slimmy, You smell, why?
Sniffles, Gary IN

Dear Sniffles,
I think the answer is quite obvious. I'm covered in shit, which leads to our next question:


Dear Slimmy,
What does Playboy Playmate shit smell like?
Taxidude, VT

Dear Taxidude,
Slimmy on a Sunday morning!


Dear Slimmy, How can I fuck myself?
Jack, Yernads AK

Dear Jack,
Let me count the ways:
1. The polished fisherman: A live trout and bottle of furniture wax.
2. Shoot the Moon: Four feet of rubber tubing, a bag of marbles and an air compressor.
3. The Dig Dug: Two pounds of beef lard and a shaven gopher.
4. The Plumberbutt: Toilet plunger, box of condoms and a wet/dry vac.
5. The Islander: Rubber glove and a pealed mango.
6. The Matrix: Keanu Reeves mask and a didlo.

7. The Presidential: Ballot card and a Vote Nader 2000 bumper sticker.

I'm sure there is more, but I've got important shit to do... like number 5...


Dear Slimmy, I just saw the hidden movie "My first Boner" it brought a tear to my eye. I to can remember my first boner... what a day. Any who, my question: I'm an aging man, and as I get older my slimmy.....well is getting slimmyer. We workout everyday, I don't abuse him. We do lots of stretching exercises. Is this nature playing a cruel joke, or is there something I can do about it? Please reply as soon as possible, I don't know how much time I have.
– Nooney Swarder, Somewhere lost in MI

Dear Nooney,
Ah ha. The old dancing bear shows up to the ring, but can't ride the unicycle anymore eh? Well friend, your a lucky man. Many options are available today that can put the wave back in yer star-spangled banner. Magic boner pills are spooging onto the market place like John Holmes on the face of a 17 year old runaway. Be thankful for technology. My uncle is still suffering from the effects from when his PBIEI (PermaBone Inflatable Erection Implant) exploded in the back seat of a taxi circa 1980. And many horror stories have been told of the "Iron Jack", a hand crank operated marital enhancer sold mass market in the 50's...


Dear Slimmy, I am 29 years old Lebanese live in Kuwait can u marry me?

Dear Kuwait,
No chance. The last Kuwaiti chick I dated had more hair on her groin than on the floor of a barber shop. The little man in the boat was forever lost in the jungle if you know what I mean.


Dear Slimmy, So is it true you like molesting little boyz?
Michael J, Never( say never) Land

Dear Mikey,
Look. I've declined the invitation to your weekly Peter Pan sleep overs. Find another Captain Hook already.


Dear Slimmy, I heard that redneck jackasses from Alabama selling merchandise at Spike and Mike festivals get more chicks than the animators themselves? Is there any truth to this ugly rumor?
– Curious (but not bi-), San Diego,CA

Dear Curious,
Sad but true. Good thing I'm a cartoon star and not some lowly pen jockey with a light table tan. Those animators couldn't get pussy with a bag of catnip and a net! Although, unlike Spike and Mike merchandise guys, most animators have not mastered the old "sour mash and a gag ball" method of scoring with chicks...


Dear Slimmy, Funny shit going on here muh man! Recently I got a new gf and she said sometimes when we are havin' sex it hurts some. My "slimmy" seems to be bottoming out, any futuristic problems involved for the motto goes: Bump 'N' Grind farming: Plow em deep but don't leave your seeds.
– DJPlayer, Snellville, Ga

Dear DJPlayer,
Like many well endowed players out there, you've encountered the "flesh ceiling". If your lady is up for it, I recommend the Slimmy Jim Nappy Dugout Digger Dildo. It's six rotating cheese grater blades are guaranteed to drill out an extra 3 inches of penetrating pleasure for the ample gentleman's needs. Save the shavings for a great salad topping!


Dear Slimmy, Are you up yourself?
Jack Wrinkle, Spankville OH

Dear Jack,
Yes... yes I am... little help?


Dear Slimmy, My boyfriend really likes blow jobs. What can I do to make them more enjoyable for him?
– Muffy Denver, CO

Dear Muffy,
Now let me begin by saying that a blowjob is a very fine gesture of love and respect for your man and his slimmy. In itself, it is hard to improve upon. There is however one way to enhance this pleasure. Just play this little game while performing your felliation: Pretend that your finger is a piece of cheese and that a little brown mouse named Ralphy has hidden himself inside of your boyfriend's bottom. Use the cheese to try and coax Ralphy back out. You may have to wiggle the cheese around a little to get his attention. If Ralphy doesn't come out at first, try wiggling the cheese deeper and deeper... Ralphy likes to hide WAY up in there (Don't be afraid to use the whole cheese wedge if necessary). If you do this correctly, when your man ejaculates, the little brown mouse should squirt out into your hand... like a prize!


Dear Slimmy, Are you gay?

Dear ?,
Would it change the way you feel about me?

Dear Slimmy, I've heard there is a secret film hidden somewhere in Mighty Fudge Town. Any help?
– Treasure Hunter, Cyberspace

Dear Treasure Hunter,
Normally, when Slimmy goes Treasure Hunting you'll find me pulling lost watches and wedding rings out of cheap hookers, but in this case, you should check out the Strip Searchers pad... Muffy just might have a clue.

Dear Slimmy, Hey Slimmy, Just wondering if things could fall off with over use? I mean that my boyfriend and I are at it all the time. Our friends have to make appointment to come over so that they don't interrupt, or they just have to wait for at lest half an hour...Also my boyfriend loves to go down and growl- no complaints here, but he loves sucking my lips....will they get bigger? I mean will they hang outside my panties after several years of hard sucking?
– Kitty W.A.

Dear Kitty,
Never fear Kitty my dear, your lip luggage can fetch quite a price on eBay these days. Just have your OB do a little trim and tuck and put that flap up for auction. You'll be back dancing in your G-string for dollars in no time at all! (And tell your boyfriend he is now qualified to join Slimmy's Clam Mashers Hall of Fame).

Dear Slimmy, Will I marry a female rock star?
– Anonymous Chicken Shit, Billfold CT

Dear Anonymous Chicken Shit,
Yes, you are going to marry a rock star. That's what you wanted to hear, right? Until you find out that by "rock star" I mean you'z gonna marry a girl who can carry very large rocks. She's gonna have hippopotamus ankles. Not when you first meet her, but check out them gams... they'z nothing but a foundation to build on!

Dear Slimmy, You suck.
–Dave, Boulder, CO

Dear Dave,
Yes, but only very tiny cocks. Call me

Dear Slimmy, Slimmy, my pee pee is kind of small. I notice that you have trouble in the past with lengthening devices and such. Any help you might offer would be greatly helpful.
– Steve, Babylon WY

Dear Steve,
Relax Steve, lengthening ain't your answer. If you stretch that tootsie roll of yours any more you'll end up with a mini golf pencil. You just need to contact the Small Hands Import Bride Agency. SHIBA has been helping men like you find small handed women from around the world (with minimalistic sexual expectations) for over thirty years. You'll feel like John Homles and she'll be glad her drinking water is Yak piss and Diphtheria free.

Dear Slimmy, What is your favorite song?
–Squirty McJunior, Detroit MI

Dear Squirty McJunior,
As a lover, I have many favorite soul songs like "Lady Loves to Love Me and My Lady" or "Help Me With These Zippers Would Ya". I also dig many funk classics like "Super Double Booty" or "Battery Operated Sex Machine" . Then there's motown hits such as "Ain't Too Proud To Pay" or "I Heard It Through the Tape Recorder I Done Hid Under Your Bed". I even have a soft spot in my heart for the old holiday crooner classics like "I Saw Jesus Kissing Santa Claus" and "Rudolph the Red Nosed Shirtless Drunk Uncle".


Dear Slimmy, Last week when I called my boyfriend from work on his day off, he said he was making "Trash Babies". Does this mean he was cheating on me with that trailer park bitch my friend Kelly said she saw in his Camaro at the White Castle?
2Timed, Roseville, MI

Dear 2Timed,
Relax sugar, your man wasn't cheating on you any more than the Pope in a poker game. Making "Trash Babies" is a term for when your jerking off and you gotz no where to dump the load, so you spank it into the trash can thus making a "Trash Baby". Which is far better than the "White Trash Babies" hešs probably making with that fat bitch in the Camaro behind the "Woody Castile's" grease trap.


Dear Slimmy, Hey Slimmy! My balls itch.. I mean REALLY itch. I MEAN REALLY REALLY ITCH! Any help?
Scritchy, Pine Lake, MN

Dear Scritchy,
Ahhh yes Minnesota... Land of a thousand sweaty ball sacks. 150% Humidity and mosquitos big enough to give you head. Not the kind of place you'd find Slimmy on a hot summer night. Native American folk lore suggests a fully shaven scrotum rubbed lightly with the bark of an Elm sapling. Even if it don't work, it'll probably get you off, so I'd go ahead and try.


Dear Slimmy, Yo Slim, are you that guy who fucked my sister? Yeah.. I know it's you. Youz dead mother fucker!
Yo Ass, Detroit, MI

Dear Yo Ass,
Your sister?!? No way, man. Your sister is a big fat ugly walrus with a club foot and an over bite who smells like my ass after quarter beer night. No way I'd fuck your sister.


Dear Slimmy, While working late one night at the Jack in the Box, I discovered that if I put my slimmy in the deep fryer, he smells like tacos. Last night I covered him with lettuce and hot sauce and tried to serve him to some fat bitch at the drive thru window... She tried to bite it and I yelled; "Hey fat bi-atch! Get my deep fried slimmy out'chor taco eatin' mouth!". Pretty cool huh?
Super Sam, Salido, CA

Dear Super Sam,
That is total bullshit and you know it. Deep fried penis smells like chicken parmesan, not tacos.


Dear Slimmy, My grandmother told me if I keep playing with you, I'll grow hair on my palms. Seems to me you'd like that. Any thoughts?
Little Billy, Sermon, GA

Dear "Little" Billy,
Please son, don't believe everything your grandmother says. Like when she tells you not to go through her purse and mail me her check book and all her credit cards, don't listen to her.


Dear Slimmy, A stripper once told me that if I didn't let my boys "turtle" during the happy ending, it would last longer. It seems to work, but are there any long term consequences, I mean other than a perma-grin?
Phil Dinn, Hollywood, WV

Dear Phil,
The only negative consequences I can think of are the lasting impressions your goofy looking "fuck face" will leave on your partner, possibly jeopardizing a future shot at her poon poon.


Dear Slimmy,
How many times a week should I masturbate? What is the world record for most times?
dan the man, frisco, CO

Dear Dan,
The world record for consecutive masturbation is held by Hans Offette from Gloopensplotch, Austria. Hans defeated former champion Billy Spurts (from Macon GA) by masturbating furiously for 17 days, 12 hours and 14:06 minutes in the fall of 1995. Miraculously, he rested for 15 minutes and then went for another 12 days before his shoulder dislocated. For his efforts he was awarded the coveted "Eisernes Handgelenk" or "Iron Wrist". During his marathon he jerked it an estimated 2.75 million times using up nearly 15 gallons of hand lotion and secreting 46.37 gallons of seminal fluid. Amazingly, he did it all while clutching an autographed photo of Jim Carey.


Dear Slimmy, If a girl at school says she likes me, should I go out with her even thow every one says she is dirty? Is that bad?
Paul, Fernhaven CT

Dear Paul,
Yes, stay away from dirty girls, they are dangerous. In fact, I urge you to send me her name and address so I can keep an eye on her until she turns 18. If she has any dirty friends, send me their names too.


Dear Slimmy, Twice in the past month my girlfriend has caught me masturbating to filthy Orgy porn. Both times she walked in right when I was spanking it rough to an internet site featuring many well hung studs gang banging some useless slut girl. Their giant manly members were pounding every one of her tight holes, even her bum! All those dongs... I just couldn't stand it! Anyway, now she thinks I'm gay. Can you set her straight for me?
Clive, Ho-broken, NJ

Dear Clive,
Hey, therešs nothing wrong with being gay. Swing which way you're swung, I always say! But orgy porn is not the problem here. Gays, straights and bisexuals can all enjoy a good orgy (even together, as long as no wiring gets crossed if you know what I mean!) I myself have been involved in many gigantic orgies and I'm as straight as the Eiffel Tower. No, your problem is your name. Clive? I'm sorry, but that's just fucking gay.


Dear Slimmy, One evening I was eating Cheetos and watching porno videos, when of course I got the urge to, you know spank it. Well now I have this orange colored, er, Slimmy. I've tried every kind of over-the-counter cleanser, but no luck! My girlfriend kind of likes it, but I had a hard time explaining to her how it got that way. What do I do?
Orange Glo, Evergreen, CO

Dear Orange,
Now excuse me if I have to laugh... Cheetos turned your Dick orange? I think not. The fluorocarbon coloring agents in all Frito Lays products are safe and non-staining for all body parts; hands, feet or phallus. Truth is, you do watch alot of porn, and your Dick is turning yellowish orange from overexposure to low grade radiation generally associated with poor quality VHS tapes and unscrambled cable stations. The medical term for this condition is Phallysitis-Radiolimpis or to the laymen, "Ooompa Loompa Syndrome". I suggest getting a DVD player!


Dear Slimmy, Without question, I have got to have the lumpiest cock in the world. I mean this thing looks like a tube sock filled with golf balls and gravel. I've tried ironing, steaming, rolling and stretching, but nothing works. My last girlfriend left me because she was "tired of fucking that half chewed jerky stick". I'm ready to go Bobbit here! HELP!
Wrinkles, Kansas City, MO

Dear Wrinkles,
Alright, calm down. Back away from the scissors... I can solve your problem in one word my man: Crunches! Those ain't lumps in your cock, those are Peanut M&M's, Skittles and Milkduds! I recommend a full regiment of crunches, power lifting and heavy areobics. A cock and his man should look good for his box (and her lady). Unless she's a big fat bitch. Then I say whip out that barnacle encrusted anchor rope and make wet, stinky-walrus love!


Dear Slimmy, Help! I was cleaning my tool when the tool I was using to clean it with got stuck inside! Plus it's burning like crazy!!! What did I do wrong?!? Should I not clean my Slimmy with chlorine bleach and a tooth brush???
Oral P, Olympia, WA

Dear Oral P,
Listen people, I'm only going to say this one more time so listen closely. DO NOT clean your Slimmy with any of the following: bleach, Ajax, Brillo Pads, sandpaper, wire brushes, gasoline/turpentine, rubbing alcohol, grinders/routers, cordless drills or screw drivers. Slimmy should only be cleaned with the freshly applied spit of an 19 year old virgin cheerleader.


Dear Slimmy, How do you measure up to... you know... other "golfers"?
– Just Kurious, Hollywood, CA

Dear Just Kurious
Long drives or the short game, I'll master the course. 3 under par at the final pin... you do the math.


Dear Slimmy, Have you ever seen a man with two Slimmys? My ex-boyfriend said he saw a Japanese porno with a guy with two Slimmys servicing a group of midgets. Can this be true?
–Karen Z, Manchester, RI

Dear Karen,
Ahhhh yes, the famous Toozuki, the man with two horns. As famous an Asian pornstar that ever lived. I had the pleasure of presenting a "Creamy" to him at the Japanese Bukkake Awards some years back. I believe it was for "Outstanding Nasal Application". He also won "Best Eye, Ear and Throat Man" and "Most Creative Afterslap" that same night. A true legend in his time. Sadly, they found him dead shortly thereafter in his apartment with his nads grounded to a car battery. Reports said his twin Slimmys were just sticking straight up, arcing back and forth like a Tesla Coil. He'll be missed... mostly by the midgets.


Dear Slimmy, I just saw your Christmas episode and I must say, what a fine and heart warming way to celebrate the birth of our Lord and savior. On to my question, I recently tried wearing boxers instead of the briefs I've always worn. While still protecting my moderately large unit from the dangers of a sharp zipper, my nads have been flopping around like a dead crack whore in the back of an old Dodge van. Do you really need room to breathe or can I keep the family jewels in the safe?
Lefty, Warren, MI

Dear Lefty,
Crack whores in the back of an old Dodge Van? Are you sure your name isn't Zep? Answering your question: Do like Slimmy! Let them boys hang out in the breeze! Bouncy Bouncy!